Congratulations, you’ve survived to the halfway point of the regular season unless you’re reading this and you’re a ghost. To that, I say use your new-found abilities to instantaneously travel and go and zip around the universe and other dimensions. For the living, understanding that half of the NFL season is over is both exciting and frightening. It’s exciting because the games are only going to get better with more and more stakes at play each week, but it’s also frightening because if half of the season is over it means that there’s only half of the season left. This means that the time in our lives in the dead of Winter is upon us where there is no more football. I know a more dreadful time of life is impossible to fathom. Let’s not think about that now. Instead, read and focus on this extremely on-point blog about some particular pieces of hardware I’m dishing out to the ones who excel at their craft.
The Montreal Screw Job Award
For the player who was supposed to do a job and then took it upon themselves to spit in their employee’s face- Trent Williams
What do you do when you’re being counted on to do a job that you’re also being highly paid for by an organization that you’re not very fond of? You go ahead and hock a major lugi right in the face of your boss. That’s what Trent Williams has done to Dan Snyder. Now, I’m not blaming Williams for doing this. There’s plenty of people that would love to spit all the spit they can muster directly at the mug of Dan Snyder. So, it’s quite alright that many people are living vicariously through Silverback each and every time he sticks it to management. Like how this week, he failed his physical and the helmet doesn’t fit him right after he ended his hold out so that he would get his contract and will probably not end up playing a game for Washington. There are tons of people encouraging for such disobedience.
UPDATE: It’s been reported that Trent Williams had cancer six years ago and that the Redskins never found it or recognized it. Typical Washington Redskins approach.
The I’m Getting to Old For This Shit Award
For the guy who’s getting to old for this shit but still delivers at times- Adam Vinatieri
Adam Vinatieri has been on the beat before cell phones were a thing. He’s seen everything and has accomplished everything. But, Father Time comes for us all and eventually tells you that you’re getting too old for this shit. There was even a point in the beginning of the season where it looked like the old man was going to hang’em up after missing two field goals and an XP in an overtime loss. But in true Sgt. Murtaugh fashion, Adam dug deep and told the clock to get lost that in fact he isn’t getting too old for this shit and could hang with the young go-hards. Vinatieri actually won the AFC Special Teams Player of the Week Award, a much less prestigious award than this one, this past week. Take that Father Time.
The Staying on Brand Award
For the guy who’s doing exactly what’s expected of him- Vontez Burfict and Antonio Brown
This is unprecedented. Never before in the Not Your Father’s Mid-Season Awards has their even been a tie. But after counting the votes several times and accounting for all the hanging chads(yep, a 2000 election joke) we have a dead heat between two guys that, I personally believe, deserve this award. Burfict got suspended for the season for destroying a defenseless player for the millionth time and Antonio Brown has been on three teams since March and is currently not on a team for being a crazy person. What’s sad and ironic is that you can search back to when Brown started to act like the Kony 2012 guy to when Vontez Burfict tried decapitating him in a playoff game in 2016. Potentially more ironically is that Brown and Burfict were on the same team this season with the Raiders and both are currently not on that team, which is perfectly on-brand for them. I’m sure they wouldn’t have it any other way.
The Matt Flynn Award
For the player who encompasses everything that Matt Flynn stood for by seeing all the cracks in the system– Josh McCown
McCown is 40 years old, which if he had a million dollars for every year he’s been on Earth it would still be nine million short. Doing the mental math you just did, you should come to the conclusion that Josh McCown has made $49 million dollars as a professional football player. The guy the award is named after, Matt Flynn made $30 million less than that. But it’s the way McCown has hung around in the league that’s most impressive and why he gets this award. McCown was retired, just trying to do the Espn thing when the Eagles said we’ll give you $5.4 million with $2 of it guaranteed if you’ll come in and back up Carson Wentz. Never to pass up easy money, McCown said sure knowing full well that he might have to actually play due to Wentz’s ability to get hurt come playoff time. McCown may not have one game that has made him near $50 million dollars as Flynn did, but he does have 16 seasons of average QB play and a great head of hair that says he’s always the right man for the job when you need someone to back up a guy who has the actual job.
The “Not on the Rug…. Man” Award
For the guy or organization who was a jerk just to be a jerk- New York Jets
You don’t hear too many organizations fining individuals for not playing through major injuries. But, not many organizations are the New York Jets who are perpetually very UnDude. The Jets are the kind of franchise that sees what the Washington Redskins and have that anything you can do we can do better. But it’s not the type of mantra where they’re trying to be positively better. It’s more like you think you’re a dumpster fire, wait until you see what we do. Kelechi Osemele got hurt, pretty bad with a torn labrum and tried to play through it. When he couldn’t, he told his employer that the pain was “unbearable.” Naturally, the Jets told their employee to rub some dirt on it and take as many pain killers as it takes to get back on that field and make his body worse all while fining him $579.000 dollars. Jets are gonna Jets
The Whoa, I had No Idea Matt Schaub was Still Playing Award
For Matt Schaub because I had no idea he was still playing in the league but he started last week- Matt Schaub
Yep, I too couldn’t believe when I saw Matt Schaub out there last week, starting for the Flacons no less. It was like I time-traveled back to 2009. All we needed was Schaub to hand off to Michael, the Burner, Turner and run crisp play-action fakes hitting Roddy White and we easily could have had the 09 Falcons out there. You’re probably thinking that Schaub could be a candidate for the Matt Flynn award but go look at the stats. He was too good when he was good. The guy had some sneaky good years and also has thrown for 525 yards with two TDs this season. The most poetic thing about Schaub is that he started his career as a backup in Atlanta and will, probably, finish his career as a backup for Atlanta. Classic Schaub.
The Dr. Steve Brule Gif Award
For the guy who confused every single person watching them- Freddie Kitchens
When you’re trying to get those clicks, you gotta reel in the youth. The youth love gifs. So, here’s this award. I could make a whole awards blog based around gifs, but I’m a bit of a purist. This is award is as important as any of them and this moment just occurred this past week. Freddie Kitchens, in his infinite wisdom, decided that 4th and 11 wasn’t smart to go for but figured that 4th and 16 was perfectly fine. That’s why he told an o-linemen to, purposely, get a false start penalty on them to preserve a timeout. Yep, that’s what he thought would be a solid way of going about business. And that’s why he’s earning this wonderful award.
The Controlled Demolition Award
For the team that has completely imploded, but by design- Miami Dolphins
This award hits me right in the feels because it goes to the team that I follow. I can’t help who wins these awards. It’s my fault that the Dolphins have made losing the art form that it has turned into. Others are trying to replicate what Miami us doing but nobody can duplicate what Miami is presenting each week. And the fact the Dolphins won’t actually admit their losing is 100% on purpose made them an easy choice of the
Building 7 Controlled Demolition Award.
The Brothers of Destruction Award
For the duo of brothers who have run through the competition by digging holes and taking souls- The Bosas
Not a ton of applicants for this award. Past winners consist of the Pounceys Ryans, and Gramaticas, so for the Bosas to take this down and reside with company like these past duos is quite the feat. The Undertaker and Kane would certainly approve of these two bros. The Bosas pretty much double choke slammed the NFC and AFC by winning both the NFC and AFC defensive player of the week for each conference. You’re not allowed to throat slash in the league anymore, but if anyone should be telling folks to Rest in Peace, it’s these brothers.
The You Weren’t That Fast in College and Now You Are Award
For the guy who looks like lightning but when they were in college they didn’t resemble lightning- Miles Sanders
I watched a fair amount of Penn State games and I don’t ever remember seeing Miles Sanders running as fast as is he now. I don’t recall him breaking away from safeties in college. Now, he does it seemingly every week. The opposite of this award can go to Sony Michel.
The Your Name Sounds like a #15 Seed in the NCAA Tournament Award
For the guy whose name could be mistaken with some random dual named college that got their first NCAA tourney birth- Gardner Minshew
A no-brainer here. This was Gardner Minshew’s award to lose and that isn’t what he did.
The King Kong Ain’t Got Shit on Me
For the guy who is untouchable, can’t be stopped and everyone knows it- Dalvin Cook
Cook leads the league in rushing with 823 yards and TDs with 9. Every single game, Cook is out there dominating the competition and he’s doing it with ease. We all know he’s going to get the ball, but it doesn’t matter. He still runs and cuts by everyone.