So first, a little context, on April 7 1986 the greatest athlete of our times made his debut with the San Diego Padres. For you new jacks, his name was John Kruk and he was fucking awesome because-
1.) He looked like a giant baby…
… Who ate tobacco. Not chewed. But ate. By the handful.
“Have you seen the rigors of ESPN at 3 o’clock in the morning when a guy blows a save on the west coast and you have to stick around for another two hours? And then try to go through the Taco Bell with John Kruk? That ain’t fun. I mean, basically, we don’t have any taco salad back there with John Kruk. None. I’M TELLING YOU, NONE.”
For all us Chubb Rocks in NY and beyond he was a beacon! He was our champion! A West Virginia native who played his college ball at Allegheny Community College and hit .300 lifetime while never looking more athletic than a weekend rec softball player.
Kruk just kicked your ass.
So this week in his honor we introduce a new series.
FAMOUS. FAT ATHLETE. OF THE WEEK.
Better recognize. Now bow down to the Kruk: