THE WORLD CUP IS LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!
Spoiler alert: the USA won’t get out of the first round.
Nobody loves the Red, White and Blue more than me, but c’mon, we’re playing against Germany and Portugal, the number 2 and 3 teams in the world respectively. These countries breed world class soccer players.
I used to love the World Cup – exotic countries, cool uniforms, socially acceptable to day drink during the week to watch sports (well, I still like that), but I’ve grown to hate this global event.
It’s the one time every four years the rest of the world can gang up on the USA in the one sport they’re better than us at. We’ve lost to Ghana the past two World Cups. Fucking, Ghana. There should be no reason that anyone from Ghana should ever think they are better than an American (takes bow). We’re back-to-back World War champions for Christ sake.
I’m sick and tired of other countries parading their best athletes to go head to head against our assembled group of prep schoolers who knew from a young age they could never make millions in the NBA or NFL.
Well, it’s time for us to fantasize. Here is a look at what our World Cup starting line-up might have looked like if our top athletes actually played soccer. Click next to continue.
Dwight Howard – Goalie
Hey Christiano, just try to get the ball by Dwight’s 7’5” wing span. You can’t. Dwight would swat that soccer ball right back at your pretty little face and you won’t be pretty anymore.
Patrick Willis – Center Back
The heart and soul of America’s last line of defense, Willis’ intimidating presence would send the most aggressive of German attacks running back to Munich. You might have invented the Blitz, but Willis perfected it, Germany.
Calvin Johnson – Center Back
Patrick’s partner in the middle defense is just as intimidating. I mean, can you just imagine some tiny Uruguayan thinking he has the balls to challenge a Megatron slide tackle?
Darrelle Revis – Right Back
The pride and joy of our defense would be our shut down backs. Any attempt to set up position on the wings for an easy cross would be swiftly met with a one way ticket to Revis Island.
Richard Sherman – Left Back
Our aggressor. Beyond his ability to shut down the enemies attack, Sherman will get inside their heads – and destroy them. I would love to see some Frenchman try to head butt Sherman and get away with it… we’re looking at you Zinedine Zidane.
Peyton Manning – Center Midfielder
Our General on the field. Manning would expertly lead our team into battle directing everyone where to play and when. His right foot would guide free kicks with pinpoint accuracy. He would be the unquestioned star of our team, our David Beckham. He has already nailed the endorsement part of it.
Chris Paul – Defensive Midfielder
Another playmaker, the real skill Paul would bring would be disrupting attacks in the middle of the field. No amount of skill displayed by Lionel Messi would be able to evade the ball-hawking claws of Chris Paul. Also, on set plays, Paul would bring lob city to the soccer pitch as he would serve our forwards perfectly placed headers every time.
Patrick Kane – Right Wing
Expert ball skill. No defender would be able to pluck the ball from his feet as he guides the American attack on the right side. I mean, if he can do this with a stick, what can he do with his feet.
Adrian Peterson – Left Wing
This work horse on the left side simply won’t be stopped. Try to get in his way, Ghana, just try.
Kevin Durant – Forward
Now the pride and joy of our American squad, our front line. Kevin Durant would be the first piece of a scoring machine that no defense in the world would be able to contain. Need a goal on a set play – try to overcome Durant’s height. Shot from outside the penalty area – Durant is a sniper.
Lebron James – Forward
Our other twin tower. Love him or hate him, he is a physical specimen. James would dominate any sport he chose to play, soccer included. Plus, he already has the most important part of soccer nailed down – flopping.