Okay, you mongrels. The 2015 NFL Draft is around the corner. And even if 7 weeks away seems long, ESPN, the NFL Network, and every sports radio outlet from here to Alaska makes it feel as if this year’s NFL draft is looming right behind you, ready to pin your flabby legs to that couch in your mother’s basement, as you ignore her calls for love or healthy eating and affix your eyes to athletes waiting by the phone with their family, awaiting a call for millions of dollars and the treasure of a household name.
And you, you just keep ignoring your mother. But she needs you, Brent. She just fell down and she needs your help. Stop ignoring her. Please. Please, Brent. Help your mother.
Anyway! Here in New York City, we’ve got a couple of real poop teams looking to make improvements the old fashioned way. And to make sure they learn from yesteryear, let’s look at one of these squads’ litany of mistakes from drafts’ past. Here it is. The Worst 5 NY Giants Draft Picks of All-Time.
1. JEREMY SHOCKEY
TE-1st Round, 2002
Yeah, yeah. He had tattoos of eagles wearing American flags, sold a lot of jerseys and would scream at planets light years away every time he got a first down. But he also dropped 5 million passes per game and was a toxic presence on the sideline, bullying Eli Manning back into his turtle shell each time the punting unit came on. It’s no accident that once Shockey went down with injury in late ’06, Kevin Boss of all people became a steady TE target, Manning got to spread his turtle wings, and the Giants won the freaking ’07 Super Bowl. After that, New York said peace out to Jeremy and he moved on to the Saints to yell at everyone nearby and drink all bourbon in the South.
2. DAVID WILSON
RB-1st Round, 2012
File this one under “unfortunate”. Upon his first few games as a rookie, Wilson showed immense skill and incredible speed at the position. Yes, his fumbling was worse than my cat chasing a beam of light. And yes, it never really seemed to be improving, no matter how many times Tom Coughlin gave him the verbal equivalent of a Silkwood shower. Still, there were real exciting flashes of promise in David Wilson. Especially for a Giants team that hasn’t had a quasi-reliable RB option since Brandon Jacobs (pre-running-away-from-defenders phase). But a tough neck injury never got better and he had to retire prematurely (and with grace, I might add).
3. RAMSES BARDEN
WR-3rd Round, 2009
After Plaxico Burress decided to shoot himself in the leg while wearing sweatpants, the Giants were suddenly without a big-time wide receiver. Enter Ramses Barden. 6’6″, 225lbs with a great combine performance in his back pocket, the Giants even traded up for him, giving away 3rd and 5th round picks. But from the get-go, despite great practice reports and many staunch advocates within the Giants organization, Barden never really got the playing time to make a dent. Other than one breakout game in 2012 (9 catches, 138 yards), he only averaged a few catches per season and quickly fell behind quicker upstarts like Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz. The Curse of Plaxico remained.
4. GEORGE ADAMS
RB-1st Round, 1985
Who is George Adams, you ask? Well, he was drafted back in those strange days before the Giants had won anything, around when Bill Parcells was lifting the franchise from a muddy afterthought playing in a New Jersey swamp and into the national conversation. Adams was coming from a nice career at the University of Kentucky and seemed a perfect fit for Parcells’ ground-and-pound, ball-control philosophy. The one thing about ball control? You need to control the ball. And sadly, this first rounder is mostly remembered for coughing it up near the goal line at the worst times possible. Sound familiar?
5. CEDRIC JONES
DE- 1st Round, 1996
Okay. This dude was drafted 5th Overall. Giant fans were psyched to have the imposing Mr. Jones bring the lackluster mid-90s G-Men back to the defensive-minded days of Parcells. And this guy was gonna be the beacon. Only slight issue was that he was blind in one eye and didn’t tell anyone. So… you know… there was that. As a result of the handicap, he could only play from one side of the line. And since vision tends to be kinda crucial when you’re playing football with human monster trucks at breakneck speed, Cedric never really took off.